Two weeks ago, I almost died (twice) and had a life changing conversation with ‘God!‘
These past 3 weeks (in San Diego – see prior blog) were some of the best and worst times of my life and I wouldn’t trade one second of it – even the 5 days I spent in the hospital, close to death and had the most extraordinary, life-changing conversation with God!
What was I thinking? Having hit bottom (mind, body and spirit), especially body, I’d decided to commit (just the right word) myself to a 3 week, intensive on site re-programming at the Optimum Health Institute (link, prior post). Allow me a brief update leading to my Conversation with God.
13 hour days began with an annoying bell that was hand rung outside of my cozy little cottage at 6:30 am. Half asleep, head pounding from recent withdrawal of coffee, (no walk in the park), I made my way to shove grass (wheat grass) into a juicer, resulting in 2 oz of rejuvenating nectar that had the most disgusting taste & smell. The only way to get it down without retching was to swallow some cinnamon before pounding that shot of frothy green sludge, which I would eventually tolerate to enjoy the amazing long term energy and detoxing properties – Oh yeah, back to my Conversation with God.
The rest of days were a blur (the first week), as my body went thru a massive detox-overhauling. A routine day would include 3 wheat grass juicings, 3 hours of mild aerobic and yoga exercise, 3 disgusting ‘live’ raw meals, 3 group hug and (non-denominational) prayer circles, 6 hours of classes, to be completed with a self induced enema before dropping into bed at 8:00 pm. In the middle of the week, the meals were replaced with 3 meals of vegetable juicing – (this was NOT a tasty V8). By the end of the week, coming out of the fog, I started feeling better than I’d had in years (maybe ever)!
The second week, I’d started feeling strange, noticing muscles increasingly twitching while exercising, disoriented, nauseated and faint. Having prior cardiac issues, both my Primary Care Doctor and Cardiologist urged me to get the hospital right away and get checked out. Symptoms getting worse I jumped a cab and headed for the closest ER. By the time I got there, my limbs were uncontrollably flailing around and shaking from cold. I would soon discover that I was in full renal (kidney) failure. Over the course of the next couple days, IV after IV, I’d narrowly escaped the ordeal of dialysis. A full regimen of tests (including cardiac tests) were performed, all passing with flying colors.
Just as my cardiac doctor was signing my release papers at the nurses station outside my door, an elephant jumped on my chest. Pain crawling up from my heart to the side of my face, struggling to breathe, I frantically gestured to my bedside nurse to get a doctor. My cardiac doctor was in the room within seconds. This man was no normal doctor – he was a saint, a highly recognized practitioner within the medical community. Within minutes, I was being prepped and soon thereafter rushed into the cardiac ER room. A few hours later, I would learn that I was now the (not so proud) owner of 2 new stents, raising the count to eight! Two of my existing prior stents had become clogged (hence the pain) and two arteries were significantly blocked. He repaired the two and inserted two new ones.
I’m not really sure in the course of these few hours, just when exactly that I had my Conversation with God. I think it was shortly after experiencing the intense pain, prior to morphine and surgery.
There was no mistaking this presence that crawled up from my lower abdomen up into my heart. This was not a voice, it was a profound presence! I knew, somehow felt, that this WAS God! I was struggling to make sense of all this. My version of God came from up above – not from my stomach. Then I distinctly heard/felt “DO YOU WANT TO LIVE?” Woahhh, WHAT was that?
I will never be able to accurately describe this event. This God was unlike anything I’d ever experienced. This God had NO judgment whatsoever! I was immersed in unconditional love, kindness and compassion. No white light. No burning bush. Just love. God had asked ‘me’ a simple honest question – “Do you want to Live”? My first thought was, “Of course who doesn’t?” I sensed this was not an ultimatem, but rather an all loving, accepting hand reaching out to offer me, ‘life.’ I was not afraid in any way. I never felt threatened.
I was still trying to make sense of all this. It didn’t make sense. Within seconds (minutes, hours?) another voice came, “Do (I) want to live?” This voice definitely came from me, coming from the same place, starting deep withing my abdomen radiating up to my heart. I knew this was me – but what me? It was me, but not me, not the usual me. It felt like a much deeper ‘me.’ This newly heard ‘me’ was now ‘self,’ a form of deeper me. This is what I sensed. This new ‘presence’ was far more judgmental, less compassionate and definetely less kind – it was the suppressed, unconscious ’me.’
“Do I want to live?” This new ‘inner’ voice haunted me – I felt it gnawing in my gut, pulling at my heart, not mind – heart! As I was scouring my ‘self’ for less obvious ‘honest’ answers, God floored me with one last question – “WHY?” This one word sent me reeling. I felt like I had been stripped naked – there was no where to hide, yet I didn’t want to hide anymore. I was shaken to the core by the depth of this last question that seemed to threaten my entire sense of self.
This question, “Why,” considering the source, asks me to explore my actions to see if they match up with my first answer. If I ’honestly’ wanted to live, ‘why’ had I taken such poor care of myself for all these years – taken such chances with my life? I didn’t like the answers, but they were the truth. I felt guilt and shame and remorse.
I believe that nothing can change without change and without an honest look at myself, I can’t even make a start. For years, many years, I’ve been cloaked in denial, not intentionally, but denial all the less. Now, God has given me the opportunity to truly live and it must start with me.
It’s only been 2 weeks since my conversation with God. What’s changed for me? Just about everything. All of my senses are more alive. Abundant gratitude flows freely. Most of the time, regardless of ‘life,’ I’m pretty happy, far less stressed. I have absolutely no fear of death, yet am doing everything in my power to participate in life, my life.
I can only hope that these two questions, from God, continue to stick in my head, which if I can remain thoroughly honest with myself, can only manifest into a better life, for me and those around me. And I ‘know’ that God is proud of me, like any parent would for a child they love with all their heart.
PS. I’ve included a few prior images from my collection with this blog. Hope you like them. There is a subscription button (upper right) if you wish to receive this weekly (less wordy) blog.